why so complicated?

For the life of me I cannot understand why certain people thrive off making the simplest things complicated. Isn't life difficult enough? I waste a significant amount of my time worrying about school, money, my future etc. etc. I hate having to think about my relationships with other people. Socializing should be the easiest and most enjoyable part of the day. When certain individuals sneak around trying to manipulate other people to gather what usually turns out to be completely irrelevant information, it really pisses me off. If you have something to say to someone or if you have feelings for a person...just tell them. Honestly, what is the worst that can happen? Rejection? Life is full of it, but grow some balls and put yourself out there. Good things happen to those who try.

Gossip. Slander. I'm not stating that I'm completely innocent in this department. We have all been victims and perpetrators in the gossip circle of life, but seriously are we still fifteen? Really? I value honesty above anything else. Sometimes the most refreshing comment is when someone says what everyone else is thinking. Again, life is easier when people just put it out there.

Some of the most intelligent people I have met have zero social skills. Why? How is that even possible? The people who are the most fun are the those who can let loose. Let's just stop thinking and start living.

This weekend I finally came to life again. I love being with people who know how to live. Sometimes too the best moments, the most intimate moments, are when they are no words because what is unsaid is just as beautiful, when feelings are sincere, it just happens. Connecting with someone is more than a physical attraction, even good conversation. I am not suggesting those things aren't important because they are absolutely essential, but you also need to just relax. A light heart and a sense of humour are two of the most admirable qualities, and so simple. It has to be simple. It just has to be.

Hot Shower

Do you ever just really need a hot shower, but the water refuses to get hot enough? I hate that. You turn the hot water on full blast, and it's certainly not cold, but it's not as hot as it should be. You stand there, wondering and cursing whoever is doing laundry or dishes because the only thing you absolutely needed to go as planned was your simple, mundane, everyday, hot shower. I guess there's always tomorrow. But it doesn't change the miserable fact that today, I'm still freezing.

Under Pressure..

If there is one feeling I despise it's desperation. I have been feeling so desperate lately. I have a new life, a good one. Yet I want to run away, I might just crack under the pressure.

It is difficult to live day to day, if you think too much. For most people I'm sure living in the moment is simple, perhaps enjoyable, and maybe it is just what we (as humans) are suppose to do. However, for crazy people, like me, who unconsciously analyze every minuscule detail of their life, being told to take one day at a time is torture. The future haunts me almost as much as the past (and since I live my life in history text books the past haunts me a lot). I hate uncertainty, and I am desperate for a concrete plan. I have no long-term plan, and it destroys me.

I'm young, fairly attractive, educated, have my whole life/career ahead of me, etc., etc., but I still manage to find something to complain about everyday. It's a hard knock life.

There is no place like home... but there are better places.

Tomorrow marks my return to Canada, Welland, but mostly to the people and life I left behind. How do I feel? I am not even remotely sure. Excited maybe, but overwhelmingly anxious is probably a better description. I cannot wait to see certain individuals, but I almost feel like I began to build a different life here. Not necessarily a better one, but I've changed. I don't feel so small town, and it feels surprisingly good knowing that I can survive in the big city.

My heart aches because I am leaving someone new behind. Someone that I never even intended to meet. I love and hate how things just happen, and all of a sudden your life has changed, your entire outlook on life has changed. The world feels much smaller and impossibly bigger at the same time. It has been an incredible journey and it feels horrible that it has come to an end.Although, I have this strange sensation that something new and exciting has just started for me. I feel like a grown up and for the first time ever I am not so afraid. It's amazing when you can feel your life actually going somewhere. Tomorrow will be Canada, but the future is unbelievably unpredictable, which I understand now more than ever.

See you soon,
C

How London Stole Me!

I realize this is long overdue.

I cannot believe the things life throws at you. I am so incredibly grateful to still be in London. I knew I had to stay, it was just one of those things that you know I miss my people, but I have met new fantastic people who are wonderfully intriguing. I could not pass up the opportunity to stay, but I am sorry if I have disappointed anyone. I know you will survive without me a little longer.

I also cannot believe my luck.I am sitting in a Pret A Manger (which is like the English equivalent of Starbucks), and they just gave me a free hot chocolate, not to mention the free wi fi. What more could a person ask for? But seriously this summer I have seen so much, done so much, lived with a wonderful family, who I will miss terribly. However, now I get to experience the city with people! It feels amazing to be social again! I am in London and I can't waste anymore time pouring my thoughts out like this. There is just too much to do.

See you all soon..maybe

:) C

From a Fancy Hotel Lobby

This summer I started a new life. I left the country I was born and raised in, and moved to another continent for three months. I am starting to miss my old life more and more. The most valuable thing a person can have in life is people who love them. What I miss most is being with people that understand me and know me on a deeper level. At first it was awesome that people thought I was different and interesting because I was an Au Pair from Canada with a University degree in History. It is truly amazing how boring your life story can be after you tell it to enough people. Even if I had the most adventurous life, which I don't, you get horribly sick of the sound of your voice after enough people ask you about you 'American' accent. I do long for the people that really don't care about my education, nationality, or current occupation. I miss the people who miss me.

However, homesickness is only natural after a while, and I have no regrets. If I achieved nothing else, I now have a perfectly rehearsed self history. I like to think it's modest. Try me sometime. For now I think I will leave the hotel lobby and sleep.

C

A Breif Life in Spain

I have this thing with boats. I mean I've always liked them, but I am recently a little obsessed with them. Coasting over waves is a freeing experience, and water can be astoundingly beautiful. I can feel my stomach doing loops, and it feels amazing.

I never knew that water could be so incredibly blue, of course I knew that crystal clear, blue water existed somewhere in the world, but seeing is very different from knowing it's out there. Swimming with fishes, is like being in another world. If I could spend several days at a time living on a yacht, I would, in a heart beat. If I ever acquire enough money to own a boat, I will. It's name will be Jenny, I owe it to Forrest. The only thing better than the sea is the feeling of the sun soaking into my skin. Absorbing the vitamin D and then looking in the mirror never felt better. My skin glows, and I swear it's never looked better. Thank goodness for sun screen and moisturizer though.

Food. The food in Canada sucks. I'm sorry I have always had a strong passion for food, and Canada, but if the French specialize in one thing it's food. I've never eaten in Canada like I have here. The family I am with in Spain are French, Moroccan, and boy do they know everything about wonderful food. I never thought I would eat squid, sardines, partridge, swordfish, lamb and like it, the list of different and incredible food goes on and on, everything I try is more magnificent then the last.

I went to the doctor today for my ear infection. My little ears cannot handle diving, which is very unfortunate because it's so much fun. Despite the burning sensation, I feel like I am now on my way to a swift recovery. Only three more weeks left of the most adventurous summer of my life.

I am proud of myself. I did something brave this summer. I am definitely different. I feel way more open to new things. I feel more open to the world, more exposed.

This summer I changed.

-C